Archive for March, 2013

Post #92 – About my luggage art…and the ART of conversing with strangers…

Posted in humor, memoir, nonfiction, relationships, Travel, true stories, true stories, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 20, 2013 by tenaciousbitch

After penning my last post about my recent trip to Hollyweird, I realized I’d FORGOTTEN one of the main reasons for the aforementioned cyber chapter. So, needless to say, JET LAG, and tending to my Grandmother’s war wounds (long story for another day) is beyond a BITCH…

Anywho, every time I go to Cali, I try to think of a different way to spark a conversation with total strangers regarding my writing, which isn’t exactly easy. It’s not like you can walk up and say,

“Hi, I’m Tenacious Bitch, and I’d like to chat with you about my memoir…” at which point, said stranger would, most likely, mumble something about having a train/cab/aardvark/cyclops to catch…

That said, I decided upon my most outrageous conversation prompter yet…

I asked the concierge at my hotel to take my photo for my blog. Simple task, is it not? But, apparently, this guy had never in his life taken a photo, or…he just REALLY likes to fuck with obnoxious hotel guests who interrupt his game of Angry Birds cuz here’s the pic…

ME WITH MY SUITCASEAhem…yeah, that’s 3/8 of me, I guess, but if he was going to eradicate most of my person, couldn’t he have said, “Stand up straight, honey. You’re slouching, which, you know, makes you look a tad pudgy…” with a SMILE, of course.

Anyway, the photo is a preface to the FUNNY part, ahem…the adornment/advertisement on my suitcase in the photo below…

lug art 2SHAMELESS self-promotion? Yeah, I got that! 🙂 I forgot to photograph it BEFORE it played soccer with the baggage handlers, but that’s okay. I think it’ll withstand another trip around LAX’s carousel.

And, yes, I know, it’s not a marketing prop that will yield millions, but when you can’t afford billboard advertising, baby steps, ya know? And it took all of FIVE minutes to laminate that 8 x 10 label with crazy glue, shipping tape and a very hot iron.

Additionally, I inserted these little gems into that TINY pocket …

bus cards in suitcase…where an i.d. card should go, but instead, I slipped TENACIOUS Bitch’s BUSINESS CARDS in there:

BUS CARD 4YES, I did. Why the hell not? I put SEVEN cards in there, and only FOUR remained in that little pocket upon returning home. Yes, of course, three of them could’ve fallen out.

Either way, during my trek through THREE airports, and standing in line to obtain/return my rental car in L.A., not one but seven or eight different people asked me what the hell my luggage art was all about (okay, sans the HELL, but you get the idea). All of them laughed and accepted my business card. They may NEVER read my blog, but at least I tried, and I think I get an A for originality, at least…

PLUS, if at least ONE of those folks who took my card reads my blog and likes it and mention it to a couple of co-workers, who read it and like it, who then forward the URL for my site to a couple friends, who forward my info AGAIN to their neighbors and so on…then, you have a word-of-mouth chain that could VASTLY increase the number of people reading my posts each day, which, of course will make my memoir just that much more attractive to a publisher…so feel free to make up your own luggage art and give it a whirl. You don’t even have to give me credit for the idea…: (smirk, smirk)…see how nice I can be? So, maybe, I don’t ALWAYS deserve my moniker…okay, maybe, I do TODAY…but anywho…going forward…I shall…

Stop pestering your corner of cyberspace (for now) and go eat dinner or, maybe, wax the cats, depending on whether they try to CHEW on the living room curtains again…

FOREVER YOURS, tHE soon to be JUSTINA BIEBER of BLOGGING…cuz I’m just gonna be everywhere…gas station bathrooms and EVERYTHING, LOL…

Love and chocolate cheesecake-

~TENACIOUS BITCH and her band of truth-spouting hippies…

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Post #91 – The NOT so FULLY EQUIPPED kitchen and Negotiating with Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Dish Fairy…

Posted in BOOKS, friends, humor, nonfiction, relationships, true stories, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2013 by tenaciousbitch

The insanity meter is always exceedingly high when I go out of town, and the trip to Los Angeles on March 6 (2013) was no exception.  My plane was scheduled to depart at 9:40 AM, and I was already running late when I jetted out the door at 7:45.  Plus, five inches of snow had been dumped upon us the night before. So, needless to say, I was a tad panicked, particularly when I got about 5 blocks away and realized I’d forgotten my bible.

No, not the King James variety. My travel bible, a manila folder containing my boarding pass, directions/addresses to: the hotel, Thrifty rental car, etc. 

I turned around, and while  braking for a stop sign 30 feet from my house – going a little too fast, and my car started sliding toward the curb on the opposite side of the street. “Shit, shit, shit!” I sputtered because I was about to hit a fire hydrant in the neighbor’s yard!

In those intense few seconds, I silently prayed – please, God, I cannot wreck this car, not again (see Post #9 at: http://tenaciousbitch.com/2011/04/12/not-arriving-at-my-destination/).

But, thank God, my gigantic tires bounced me backward onto the right side of the street. Though the driver of an oncoming vehicle looked rather confused by my awkward sideways position- all was well after securing my bible, and off I went to the airport again where…

LINE GOING THROUGH SECURITY AT LAX 2YES – hordes of travelers were standing in line waiting to go through security when I arrived. Luckily, I waded through them – though sluggishly, just in time to board my flight.

THEN (drum roll please) I rented this little gem –

rental mazda side viewThe silver Mazda3. Ordinarily, I don’t like small cars, but this little vixen altered my opinion. It has a V6.  So, unlike most compact cars, it has more kick than your average lawn mower, and the seats were very comfortable. So, I may have to chuck the gas-guzzling, SUV fetish and go Mazda next time around…

MOVING ON…when I booked my suite at XYZ’s 3-star hotel (can’t name them, lawsuit prevention, you know) their website advertised “fully equipped kitchens”…so, I spent $50 at Ralph’s Grocery on organic, frozen food and such to avoid wrecking my diet (and save $$). However, take a gander at my FULLY EQUIPPED KITCHEN…

MY HOTEL KITCHENThere’s no frickin’ oven!!! How can you claim it’s FULLY equipped without an oven? Dammit…our condo in South Beach had an oven. Our timeshare in VEGAS has an oven, and if you check their websites, they also boast having “FULLY EQUIPPED kitchens”. AND there was NO maid service (unless you paid extra, and NO, that’s NOT on their website) and NO DISHWASHER either. THAT was especially annoying since there were only 2 forks, 2 spoons, 2 plates, 1 spatula and no PARTRIDGE in a pair tree! SERIOUSLY? What’s next? Washing the windows if you wanna flush the toilet?

Yes, I suppose I’m spoiled, but dammit, I’ve stayed in enough – your average hooker’s BFF motel no-tell’s in my life, ya know? Therefore, I don’t think an OVEN and daily maid service is too much to ask if there’s no frickin dishwasher…

Okay, now, for something completely different, and possibly more positive…:). I attended the Blue Cat screenwriting workshop on 3/9…

HOLLYWOOD PRODUCTION CENTERAt the Hollywood Production Center pictured above, where I couldn’t help but notice the auspicious office of…

PRODUCTION OFFICE FOR THE FOLLOWING 2 I LOVE that show, and I’ll be exceedingly sad when the season FINALE airs…

That said, the purpose of the workshop was to submit one’s screenplay to a group of strangers (other writers) and the instructor, Gordy Hoffman, and tax them with prickling/dissecting and hopefully improving one’s work via everyone’s constructive criticism.

The first issue that Gordy (an award-winning screenwriter/founder of the Blue Cat Screenplay Competition) mentioned about my script, FIVE MORE MINUTES, was that the premise of an aging fashion model being deported from France back to America because she had the wrong type of Visa… wasn’t plausible…:).

BUT IT’S TRUE! It happened to a friend of mine. She lived with us for 2/3 months while waiting on a fiance Visa! ARG. Once again, an actual bona fide event that happened to someone I know (or myself) was too coo coo for Cocoa Puffs to be believable :).  My character also stays with her daughter, who hates her (which is fabricated)…but anyway. I’m laughing because this isn’t my first rodeo with THIS particular malady.  While ruminating upon Gordy’s comments on the plane home, I recalled some similarly sage advice imparted to me by the one and only Bob McKee about another fact-based script of mine:

“Don’t let the truth get in the way of a good story.” Dammit :)… I thought the deportation premise screamed originality, and I REALLY liked the idea.

However, as Mr. McKee also said – birthing a screenplay usually means having to kill at least ONE of your babies…sigh…therefore, the passport premise has, in fact, been murdered via the delete key.

With a sigh of resignation, check out the photo below of my fellow scribes at the workshop.

BlueCat Wokshop 3-9-13 I’m in the blue sweater, half hidden behind Gordy (in the Kansas sweatshirt). They’re a wonderful group who engaged in honest, very helpful feedback, and I hope we meet again at another workshop or at least in cyberspace somewhere.

All righty then…OVER and out from fucked up central where my FULLY equipped kitchen HAS an oven and a dishwasher, in lieu of daily maid service, which is still in negotiations with SANTA, the Easter Bunny and the Dish Fairy who occasionally loads/unloads the dishwasher in order to prevent my sleepwalking to Los Angeles once/month…leaving my poor husband and Max to deal with Nana and her nonsense (posts about Nana: http://tenaciousbitch.com/2012/08/13/post-73-dragging-nana-outta-the-closet/  or https://tenaciousbitch.wordpress.com/2011/03/10/as-my-mother-lay-dying/)

THANKS for your patronage, my faithful followers…:)

Love and chocolate chip cookies,

TENACIOUS BITCH and her band of truth-spouting hippies…

© Tenacious Bitch 2013