#67 Cyber rant to my neighbor…

Dear neighbor:

Yesterday, you were in your backyard. Yes, YOU, asshole, playing the shitty, mainstream radio station, which cranked out every single, lame-assed song ever written in the 70s and 80s. Such music that had, in fact, already been tossed about the airwaves to beyond ad nauseum during the aforementioned decades.

And said broadcast was so loud, not only could the tourists visiting the Great Wall of China hear this worthless rot, but the volume caused a fracture in said GREAT WALL. No, I’m not kidding, and btw, cyber chat has it that the Chinese government is quite peeved. That said, I would expect an unpleasant visit forthwith from a Chinese diplomat, bill in hand for the damage you caused …

AnyWHO, I just have a few questions, and I’ll try to be brief:

1)     Why in heaven’s name, would you want to listen to a station that played not 1 but 5 (yes, FIVE) Foreign Man songs over the course of 2 hours? And I thought COLD AS DICE was banned from public broadcasts after that woman in Montana shot herself upon hearing that very song for the 249th time (over a three day period) back in ’81 or 82? I understand that she took her pledge to listen to GOOD rock n roll or DIE quite seriously…hence, the term playing a song “to death” was coined? But, perhaps, I’m mistaken, and that landmark decision was reversed. Either way, WTF?

2)     Are you aware that spewing such atrocious so-called music can cause certain species of birds to migrate South at inappropriate times (i.e. in the summer) to escape this morbidly awful faux rock n roll, which can create a tsunami, particularly in and around the coast of South Carolina and Georgia? Need I mention what damage that could render to the tourist trade in those areas? Obviously, NO ONE in this era of rampant unemployment relishes the idea of turning Myrtle Beach and Hilton Head into ghost towns, n’est-ce pas?

3) Why would you be under the impression that all of we residents of Columbus, Ohio, want to hear your INANE cell phone conversation regarding your Dyson vacuum cleaner and its faulty shaft arm? Were you BORN stupid, or did you cultivate this level of non-intelligence on purpose? To what end?

And just in case you’re curious: I don’t give a FUCK about your broken wanna-be HOOVER, and I doubt the other 17-18 neighbors do either – you know, the other folks whose holiday you also ruined due to your thoughtless noise and jabber…

Therefore, I have a couple of suggestions for you:

The first is a one-word demand, and it’s a compound noun, so pay attention: HEADPHONES, my friend, HEADPHONES…

Secondly, next time, TAKE your stupid-assed 47-minute conversation about bla, bla, bla – INSIDE, or we shall mount a posse to smash your Smart Phone to smithereens, capiche?

And please note these comments/suggestions have been known to cause: aggravation, irritation, burning, itching, nose bleeds, liver failure, heart attacks, liver spots, psoriasis, measles and a strong desire to eat fruit cake. If you have any of these symptoms, please contact your doctor immediately.


Much obliged,

Yours in peace and love, your cranky-assed neighbor/bad influence/e-victor au extraordinaire and crazy outhouse rat, a.k.a. TENACIOUS BITCH and company…

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

© Kennedy Smith 2012


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